While breastfeeding my first child, I came across the idea of tandem breastfeeding and assumed right away that if I were to become pregnant before my son weaned, that naturally, I would breastfeed through pregnancy. In my mind at that time, as a new mother and a woman finding herself pulled toward a career as a doula and breastfeeding supporter, the idea of breastfeeding while also growing another life was beautiful to me. Perhaps it was even a little saccharine-sweet, with butterflies and sunshine. That’s why when it turned out–at least for me–so different, it was a real shock.
It was not more than a few weeks in, as the nausea, exhaustion, and sore breasts started to dominate my life, I realized that nursing my then 17 month old was going to be much more difficult than I had thought. When I went to my first prenatal appointment, I remember feeling relieved when the midwife said that many toddlers end up weaning during pregnancy. That wouldn’t be so bad. After all, my personal breastfeeding goal had been to nurse to two years or whenever he decided to wean; so that sounded reasonable to me. But it was clear as the weeks stretched on, that my all-night-nursing son did not have any plans to stop!
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Though my milk supply had diminished considerably, I was determined to give him whatever he needed through this transition. If he needed whatever milk I had or if he just needed the comfort of suckling, I wanted to give it to him. This was excellent in theory, but the reality was far more challenging. My son is a beautiful, but demanding little soul. He enjoys (even now at 2.5 yrs old) marathon nursing sessions that would aggravate the most stalwart breastfeeder. Managing this while breastfeeding was more than I could handle at times and I would have little pep talks with myself: ”Just keep going. Just another minute. He’ll be asleep soon.” He was just old enough that we could also make a game of ending breastfeeding sessions, “Let’s count to ten and then be done.” or “Let’s sing ‘Wheels on the Bus’ and then we’ll stop.”
At the worst moments, I started having terrible, angry feelings when I would nurse him. Sometimes I felt as though I could crawl out of my skin. I wanted to jump up and fling him off of me like fighting a swarm of insects. I would feel so guilty that I felt this way. Here he was, my amazing little son, whom I loved utterly, but I felt angry and violent when I was supposed to feel nurturing. I didn’t know then, that this is a common experience for women who nurse through pregnancy. Had I known it at the time, I might have been more gentle with myself and let myself set more boundaries that took my needs into account as well as his.
In the end, though, I had to find a way to protect my body, sanity and growing belly, while also caring for my son. With the help of my husband, we chose to night-wean my son when he was 20 months. It made a big difference just to be able to sleep through the night without my toddler grabbing and nursing every couple hours. He continued to sleep with us and I once again loved the moments that he would wake at night and instead of asking to nurse he would just wrap his arms around my neck and we would drift off to sleep–in love once again.
Even though breastfeeding through pregnancy was challenging, I know that I don’t have any regrets. And I also know that if I were to become pregnant again before my daughter weans, I would do it again–but next time, I’d cut myself a little more slack!
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